[Penned on 16 July 2001]
Been wondering for the past month or so whether you ever missed me or ever thought of me (even if it's only a second, I'll be happy...) If you did, then your plans to forget the past and all your friends would have failed and I secretly wished that it would. Perhaps in this aspect, I'm not being a good friend, but I can't help it, coz I missed you so much that I had cried myself to sleep for countless nights. Never had I missed anyone so much ever. I really have to laugh at myself for being so silly now.
I understood how you felt about your past coz I've been through it myself (in fact, i'm going through it now!) Friends may have failed you in the past when they didn't seem to treasure the friendship that you have put so much effort in. But, aren't you doing the same thing to me? I had thought that you were someone who treasures friendship (maybe you were, a long time ago, but not anymore.)
You are just wallowing in the past and trying to make yourself feel better by doing the same to your current friends. You never did let go. If you did, you should be treasuring your current friends even more, not dumping them like garbage with an SMS. You hurt me so deeply. I thought we were good friends.
Perhaps, I was wrong. I thought too highly of myself. Perhaps I wasn't even worthy to be your friend.
You disappeared from my life so suddenly. No explanation. No reason. No goodbye kiss. Nothing. Sigh.
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[Penned on 15 June 2002 at 0040 hours]
It was less than a year ago since my last entry. That was when I received your SMS to want to forget everyone.
9 March 2002 you came back into my life as sudden as when you disappeared. Been 3 months now but I'm still unsure of where our relationship stand. I am not sure where to draw the line. Been having rather high hopes but after what happened tonight, I have to rethink. Looks a little less promising than what I thought.
Thought we had a rather good start in March. One thing for sure, we are bosom buddies. No arguments. No confusions. No contradictions. At least I have a definite answer to the first question in my previous entry. And especially so, when you bared your innermost fears to me... to the point of exposing your vulnerability - your tears. Tears of a man is never easily seen. I was so touched. I wanted so much to embrace this exposure of vulnerability, this trust. So real, yet so unreachable.
Yet tonight, I was led into confusion. Hopes. No hope. Hopes. No hope. I wished I had a petalled flower to count my hopes. At least the number of petals is finite. Should I be thankful that this NYDC dinner wasn't pre-arranged by you? And that you kept trying to protect me the whole night? Is this a hope?
Or hearing what I wanted to hear from you, instead I hear it from your friend's never-ever-stop-blabbering-mouth?
It is so disheartening. My mind is so bogged with unanswered questions racing through it. I am at the point of extreme mental exhaustion, yet I struggled to pen down my thoughts, for fear that I might forget everything after waking up tomorrow.
Maybe I should thank your friend for telling me the things which you never told me about.. like your past. You seemed evasive and wanted to deny his words.
What did you mean by exclaiming "No!", then contradict yourself by saying "It happened so long ago..."? So is that true? Or is it not? I did not react, coz I respect your privacy. You would have told me if you had wanted to. I was not really interested in the first place. Anyway, what mattered to me most is the present and the future, not the past.
Thanks for keep wanting to protect me from your friend's rude
interrogation. Are you protecting my interest or protecting your own interest? I wonder. For obvious reasons, I hope that your answer is the latter.
Insomnia strucks. But life still goes on... hope that tomorrow is a better day.
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