spiritual battle

ABOVE ALL

Above all powers

Above all Kings

Above all nature and all created things

Above all wisdom and all the ways of Man

You were here before the world began

Above all Kingdoms

Above all thrones

Above all wonders the world has ever known

Above all wealth and treasures on the earth

There's no way to measure what you're worth

Crucified

Laid behind the stone

You lived to die

Rejected and alone

Like a rose

Trampled on the groud

You took the fall

And thought of me

Above all

***

As I play the above hymn on the piano keys, hot tears gushed down my cheeks. I played the hymn continuously for at least 2 hours with a smudged face and the wells of my eyes so dehydrated as the tears are squeezed to the last drop. As I banged on the keys for a dramatic end, I could almost feel a tenth of Beethoven's frustration and emotional outburst when he lost his sense of hearing. That was the intensity. The emotional intensity.

***

Am I truly in a state of depression? With one day in a state of dysphoria, the next day in a state of euphoria and the next in a state of dysphoria again. What's happening? Is this normal? God, I have no idea. All I know is that I'm breaking down inside me. I am not strong. I feel so weak. I'm feeling giddy by this mental rollercoaster ride. I don't know how long I can continue in this ride. It's like never ending. I want to end it. I really want to end it.

***

I'm jumping into a state of self-denial. I know this sounds deja vu. But I know that I'm fighting a spiritual battle. A strong one.