Thursday, August 17, 2006

why aren't you falling in love?

You're smart, fun, good-looking, easy to get along with and comfortable around men. So how come it seems like the rest ofthe world has a boyfriend, while you've been tucking yourself in night after night for months, even years? Here are 4 possible explanations and how to improve your odds of getting some.

You are adverse to changes

People in long-term relationships are accustomed to having someone around. They're used to touching, talking and thinking for two persons. Being in a relationship feels familiar to them. Studies have shown that human beings crave familiarity. However, being intrinsically lazy, our brain doesn't really care if familiarity isn't actually a nice place to be. That's why the girl who has just broken up with her long-term love tends to find a new boyfriend rapidly, while your single girlfriend stays perennially single. So if you've been single for ages, you will need to shock your system into change. Breaking the drought not only makes you feel relieved, it also prepares you for change.

You desperately needs a makeover

Too tight clothes, try-too-hard outfits, frumpy clothes, an unflattering hairdo, clothes that disguise your best features... beauty might only be skin deep, but packaging is important. Yes, we all know it shouldn't be about what you look like. But he's never going to discover how fabulous you are unless he's attracted enough to talk to you in the first place!

There are two classic mistakes long-term singles make. The first mistake is trying too hard: Turning up to a BBQ in heels, a dressy-dress with matching accessories and perfectly applied makeup won't have the cute single guy wanting to wrestle you on the grass. It reeks of desperation.

On the other hand, there's the second mistake: giving up. Are you the one at the glitzy cocktail party in your work suit and no makeup? You're probably thinking: What's the point? No one's going to chat you up anyway. (Well, not if you're looking like that!)

You don't really like men!

"Who me? I love men!" I can hear you exclaiming it from here. I don't doubt that lots of your best friends are men and that you adore your brother. But these are men you know and trust. All it takes is a few bad experiences ‑- a lover in your past who treated you badly, the guy you thought was really going to come through then didn't call or simply a series of disappointments ‑- and before you know it, your core trust in men falters.

You start expecting the worst in them, and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. You think you're radiating cool confidence, but really you're sending toxic waves of suspicion and aggression designed to protect you against further hurt.

If you treat men as the enemy, they will behave like the enemy. However, if instead you approach every guy with an open mind and assume he's a good person until proven otherwise, you'll bring out the best in him. Save the "I don't put up with that" speeches until he actually does something you won't put up with. Then say your peace in a calm, no-nonsense voice without histrionics. If you put yourself back in the power position, you'll have nothing to fear. Realize this: Start liking men once again and they'll like you back. It's that simple.

- sensored, edited and adapted from iVillage article: 4 ways to end your sexual dry spell

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