Friday, April 02, 2010

déjà vu

Maybe when you are not truly happy inside, even when you attempt at telling a joke, it didn't come out funny? Well... there seems to be a lot on my mind lately.

Have you ever experienced the feeling of déjà vu?

Sometimes, certain events trigger a hidden memory somehow found it's way out from the locked memory box that trigger yet another chain of memories. Maybe I have too good a memory. My participants in class always tells me so, because I can remember all their names within minutes. All 24 of them. Sometimes, having a super memory is not exactly a good thing either.

I was looking at some of the photos that my friends uploaded on facebook. There was one which I posed during a Christmas party with arms akimbo. It brought back some unhappy memories. I saw one girl roll her eyeballs at me and that look of jealousy in that split second in her eyes haunt me until today. Sigh.

Maybe I doll up too much? Somehow only women give other woman an evil eye when you are more made up than them. Oh well. I couldn't care less if it were a stranger. Except that she is my friend. The funny thing is that she is sometimes very gentle and nice to me, sometimes cold and aloof. I can't quite figure out why she blew hot and cold towards me.

I wish I could read her thoughts out loud. Why can't she love me as I am? Well, maybe if I wore uglier clothes when I go out with her, it might make her happier, but I don't really want to do that because that would make me a hypocrite. Why can't I just be myself?

Maybe it is just impossible to please everyone in the world. Or I'm just trying too hard to please everyone? Why do I think so much and so deeply? Why am I so affected by just one look? Maybe because I cherish and value that friendship very much?

Yes I do. And that look haunted me. It makes me so scared of her that I dare not accept a lift from her anymore after that. That's because I can't quite fathom whether she loves me or she hates me. Before I figure that out, I remember not to overdress too much.

Someone, please tell me that I am paranoid.

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