I feel strange. So strange.
I remembered asking the Lord many times before with regards to closed doors and open doors and the Lord usually replies very promptly when the door is a closed door. I always tell the Lord, if the door is closed, please reveal it to me early so that I won't waste time on it! Like when I was looking for a job and sent out many resumes, I don't really want to waste time going for the interviews, so usually I will tell God to close the doors if it is not His will for me to be there. It's like right after I have prayed and asked God, the next moment, God opened my eyes and the truth is being revealed. Immediately, I usually will know God's answer if the door is closed. Usually it is pretty obvious. Like for interviews, I will not be asked for the interviews or like there was once at a bank, I specifically said that I do not wish to work on Sundays because of church and sabbath day, they specifically said the job requires me to do so. Obviously, I turned down the offer.
And when the door is closed, if I was not sure the first time round, I just have to pray a couple more times and then the answer will be quite apparent to me. Closed door.
This time round, it is pretty strange. I prayed again and asked God whether the door is close or open, and if it were not God's will, please close the door. The door remained open.
I am not sure, so I prayed again the second time. The door remained open.
I prayed a third time. The door remained open.
I prayed a fourth time. The door remained open.
This went on for 9 months. So in an ordinarily very human understanding, I made a guess that the door is open. Then suddenly the door closed. Why? Is God playing a trick with me? Did I hear wrongly from the Lord? Is this a test from the Lord? Did I ask the Lord too few times? If it were a closed door, why didn't God reveal it to me earlier? Why did God give me an answer that was seemingly open and which in actual fact closed? Why did God give me an ambiguous answer? Maybe God gave me an apparent answer, but I refused to acknowledge it? God could have given me another answer, which was wait, but why did God reveal something else? Strange. I do not have the answer. Should I pray and ask God again? Can God like give me more wisdom to understand and fathom what He is trying to tell me? How come God opened the door for a while and then slam it shut suddenly?
Many questions just raced through my mind at the same time. Unanswered.
I wish I had the wisdom to understand. I don't have the answers to many of the questions, but one thing I know for sure is that He has the best plan for me and though it is difficult to accept it when the door is closed, I accept. Thank you Lord. But please, next time, can you tell me earlier? Thanks.